Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
