I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
