The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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