I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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