The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm way too hungover for life right now
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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