aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
