So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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