can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
