I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
