Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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