Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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