checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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