I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
