I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
