i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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