Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
