even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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