Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
