You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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