when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Randomize
