Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
