dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
