He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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