I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
