You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
