New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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