Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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