life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
