my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Randomize
