well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
