yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
