My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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