he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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