my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
