I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
