I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
