I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I want to fling myself into the sun
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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