: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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