My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
