I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
