you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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