cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
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