the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Dicks are not precious.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
