cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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