My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
