I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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