Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
