did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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