Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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