wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
